Journal Entry ~ 10/14/19

For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward him. - 2 Chronicles 16:9

When I assert my rights, I forfeit His grace. So when I need His strength, I should look for those places in my life where I am asserting my rights. I think the hardest one for me to give up is the right to be heard and understood. Nothing gets under my skin more than when I have been falsely accused - it happened again yesterday. Somebody thought that I said something, and rather than coming to me and asking, they came at me with an attack. I was blindsided, and immediately rose up in defense. I didn't give them an angry response, but I did defend myself strongly in a conversation that lasted about 20 minutes. I walked away frustrated because in the end, there was no resolution. She walked away thinking I did something I didn't do - the reality is I did the complete opposite of what she thought I did and actually advocated for her in the situation, but she doesn't see that. I've been stewing about it ever since, and in the process, it's turned to anger. 

Those of you who know me well know I’ve lived through painful accusations, but you also probably know my reputation is something I struggle to protect. I don’t want people to think poorly of me and my defenses rise when they do. It’s an area of struggle for me that I’ve been working on for quite some time. The sin issue behind it is fear of man, and it’s stems from my tendency to place way too much value on what people think of me. So much value that I sin against my God to set the record straight. Oh, my pride. 

It's no accident that God allowed this attack into my life so that I could work on this part of my heart. I don't want people to think poorly of me, so as a response I rise up in defense when my character comes into question. Where is the focus on that scenario?  It's on me. Where should my focus have been?  On her - and her hurt feelings, not on me and my feelings. I know the truth about what happened and God knows the truth about what happened, why is it so important that I take such a strong stance?  Because the focus is on me. 

My first and foremost priority when interacting with anybody should be on furthering the kingdom of God.  It's not to have everyone think I'm awesome. His kingdom was not furthered in that conversation, I do not have a return to show for it. So humbling. Spending time on my knees this morning to repent of my response and my anger, then praying for His help to reconcile the relationship.  


Press on - you are loved 💗

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